Reality Bites
by Neo the Saiyan angel
Summary: Tony and Steve mishandle the Reality Stone.


**A/N:** Wrote this as part of a mpreg challenge/exchange for Lady_Katana4544. It's not the worst thing I've written, but as it was a flash exchange I didn't have much time to brush it up. Light on the mpreg, but oh well. Posted it in the form it is on Archive of Our Own.

* * *

"I told you not to touch it."

Steve's eye twitched. "I wouldn't have touched it if _you _hadn't touched it."

Tony rolled his eyes as the computer scanned his body. "Please. It's my technology. I had it under control."

"Tony, you were convulsing. Twitching like a hyped-up child," Thor said. "The Reality Stone is no joke. It looked like you were about to explode. Like a kitten."

"Kittens don't explode," Bruce noted, blinking from behind Tony's shoulder.

"There is that game. With exploding kittens. You cannot tell me that kittens do not explode," the God of Thunder retorted, crossing his arms over his large belly.

"Yeah, uh, guys? Not important." Tony pressed several buttons on his console, their purpose a mystery to Steve even now. "What _is _important is making sure we aren't going to poof out of existence or something. Now…" His fingers flew across the holographic keyboard. "Cap's scan turned out fine. A bit too much cholesterol but hey, who doesn't have that problem?" He did a double-take at the screen. "Wait…" Tony squinted and tilted his head. "What?"

"What is it?" Steve's stomach twisted at the look on the genius' face.

"Well then…" He pulled up a picture. "Congrats to me. I'm going to be a mother."

"...what." He couldn't help himself. Steve looked at the screen, Thor following close behind him.

"Looks to be…twelve weeks? Interesting."

"You're pregnant." Bruce's statement was flat. Disbelieving.

"Looks that way."

Steve blinked. "You're being awfully calm about this."

"I've been through worse and stranger. This is nothing that a good ol' abortion can't cure." Tony zoomed in on the picture. Then his face began to pale. "Oh. Uhm. That complicates things."

"What?" The soldier looked at the screen, but couldn't discern heads from tails.

"It looks like the placenta has attached to very important, very necessary parts of my anatomy. Trying to remove it without killing me would be near impossible. Even _I _couldn't do it."

Considering the man's pride, that must have been hard to admit. Curiosity overriding his worry, Steve asked, "What will you do no-...?"

Tony cut him off by taking a small yet long syringe whose purpose Steve never understood and shoving it into his gut. He paid careful attention to the image on the screen, shifting the needle around this way and that.

"I'm gonna find out the father of this bad boy," the genius said even as Steve fought from recoiling at the nonchalance of Tony sticking himself. He easily pulled the needle out and placed some of the fluid into a nearby dish. "If I'm the mother, there's gotta be a father."

"It could be asexual reproduction," Bruce suggested as Tony began scanning the liquid.

"Or some kind of magic." Thor began talking in a faraway voice, "Loki once became impregnated by a horse-..."

"I doubt it's that easy. Or gross." A laundry list of names and faces blurred through the screen before Steve's own face popped up on the screen. With some wonder Tony said, "I'll be damned." He turned to Steve and glibly said, "Mazel Tov. You're going to be a father."

Steve's mouth flopped open and closed. "_ How _?"

"The Reality Stone. It did something to you two like the Space Stone did to Red Skull," Bruce said in wonder.

"Hm. Well, Cap," Tony thumped Steve on the shoulder, "we'll have to figure out visitation and child support later. First thing's first: Magic Stone Time to unsnap everyone. _Then _I can figure out how to explain to Pepper about how I now have a child that isn't hers."

Steve's mind was blown, but tried to keep course. "Right. Yes. That thing."

"It isn't _that _weird," Thor noted with a roll of his eyes. "It happened in Asgardian society more than you'd expect. The shapeshifters especially did it a lot."

"Again: gross." Tony motioned towards the loose stone laying on the floor. "Anyone willing to pick that up?"

"Not it!" a chorus of voices called out.

The pregnant genius rolled his eyes. "Like it'll make you guys pregnant too."

"I...don't really want to find out," Bruce defended, eyes darting warily to the Reality Stone for a split second.

"Fine, fine." Tony waved over his fire robot and vaguely waved at it. "Pick that up and toss it into that compartment for me."

The arm reached down, grabbed the stone, and tried to hand it to Tony.

"No. Nonono. Did you not _see _what just happened? I don't want to end up with twins." Tony fervently pointed to the open door to the chamber that held the other Infinity Stones. "There. Put it in there."

The robot seemed to look between Tony and the door in thought before carefully dropping it in the hood.

"Good boy." Tony looked at the crowd around him and said, "See? Just a technical error." He looked at Steve, peering at him closely. "You alright, Cap? You seem a little green around the gills."

"I-...I'm fine." His words had no conviction. He was floored. Completely taken aback. This was a mess. Pure, unadulterated mess.

"Okay then." Tony was clearly taking him at face value. "Time to go to work."

Bruce and Tony began to delicately work the machinery that would maneuver the stones into the gauntlet that the genius had prepared. Meanwhile, Steve very quickly found a seat. The various thoughts running through his mind had little substance. All that kept repeating was the fact that he was going to be a _father _. With _Tony Stark_.

"Hey." Steve jumped as a big, meaty hand thunked its way onto Steve's shoulder. The soldier looked up at Thor, who was looking down with wise eyes. The God of Thunder said, "I understand that things are now rather complicated with you and Tony."

"_That's _an understatement." Steve shook his head. "What will we do?"

"Mmm. Well, it can either go two ways: you and Tony coparent amicably with equal visitation and support...or you two fight each other tooth and nail for the child. Deal low blows, destroy your currently tenuous friendship, that sort of thing. Possibly even tear the Avengers apart as people pick sides." Thor patted Steve's shoulder. "But I am hoping for the former."

"...Thanks, Thor," Steve said flatly.

The god gave out a bright grin back. "No problem." A loud clinking noise caught their attention as did a quiet swear from Tony, one that was shushed by Bruce. "Oh dear." Thor then walked over to the two scientists, Steve completely forgotten.

Steve took a deep breath in, then out. It was fine. Everything would be fine. Everyone would be brought back, the timelines would be safe, and Tony would somehow give birth to their not-love child. They were mature men. They could handle something like shared custody.

Everything would be fine in the end.


End file.
